ADAM’S NOVENA: A Prayer for the Sexually Frustrated
By Matt Burns
The following novena is to be used for those who find themselves struggling with sexual frustration. The novena should be voiced each night for nine consecutive nights. For best results, keep the prayer under your pillow while you sleep.
Hey, God, it’s [Insert Name Here]. It’s…oh, I dunno, around four o’ clock, Sunday afternoon. I’m…uh…well, I have a little problem I need to take up with you. Yeah, it’s a little grievance. Little complaint for the complaint-box, if you know what I mean. Haha.
Um, yeah, so basically what happened is I think I got a girl pregnant. No, this is not a girl I love, I have to admit. No, I’m not married to her either, so yeah, I’d have to consider the sex ‘pre-marital’. In fact, yes, the whole deed was flat-out lusty, I must confess.
But here’s the thing. I think this is your fault, not mine. With all due respect, God, I feel you should be held accountable for the child, not me. Yes, I know this sounds a little bold, but please hear me out on this, please.
Let’s go back a few months or so. I hadn’t had sex in quite some time. I was trying to abstain because of obvious reasons, mainly because of STD’s and pregnancy and also the fact that you don’t want us committing lust. But I didn’t feel right. I felt unbalanced and a little screwy in the head. I have to confess that I gradually started watching pornos a little bit here and there, just to take the edge off. But then I started watching pornos every night, and then I started watching pornos whenever I got the chance.
At first, I started out with the traditional girl-on-guy stuff with your classic sexual situations. You know, pizza guy delivers a pizza with extra sausage. Plumber inspects the pipes. Mostly missionary positions and your occasional doggy-style stuff. That kind of a thing. Pretty straightforward and traditional as far as pornos go.
But eventually the “traditional” pornos failed to do much for me and I had to spice things up a bit, if you know what I mean. To say that I started watching “Milf” porn wouldn’t be a lie. To say that I threw some “Tranny” porn into the mix wouldn’t be a complete lie either. And, yeah, I’d occasionally check out the “Barely Legal” sights as well; you know, pictures of girls who are just barely ‘of age’, right on the line between seventeen and eighteen. It was all perfectly legal, I swear…at least by society’s standards. I guess by your standards it would probably be considered illegal, which is a problem. Don’t think I didn’t feel ashamed of myself, because I did. Trust me when I say that.
Anyway, the pornos kept my sexual appetite at bay for a while, but over time they did nothing for me…like, at all…even the kinkiest of the websites. However, I had heard about this website called “Chatroulette” that was supposed to be the newest cool thing or whatever. This is a website where you can chat with girls and sometimes the girls are even exposing themselves and doing sexual things. I’m sorry to admit that I found the temptation to visit this website way too strong and I would spend practically two or three hours on it every night. One night, a girl I was talking to suggested that I expose myself to her. So I complied – thinking she liked me – but then she giggled, called me a ‘perv’ and teasingly clicked away, leaving me totally exposed for the next person to see. I was so embarrassed, but at the same time it also felt really good. Liberating. Cathartic. So it wasn’t long before I tried exposing myself again and then I started exposing myself to a lot more people and then to pretty much everyone on Chatroulette, even going so far as to play with myself on the web camera (my identity was concealed, of course). I felt ashamed as anything doing all this stuff, but I couldn’t help it. It seemed to be the only way to get myself off and keep myself balanced. I mean, my sexual appetite was getting out of control, God. Doing these naughty things was the only way to keep the beast at bay, so to speak.
Needless to admit, I never EVER pictured myself being this creep pervert psycho who played with himself on the World Wide Web. I could have easily gotten arrested for doing this stuff, especially if a minor happened to catch a glimpse of me nude and lewd. So I knew I had to stop going down the pathway I was on. I concluded that the only way to keep me from being a creeper was to have sex. You still with me here? I needed sex, God.
So a couple weeks later an opportunity to have sex presented itself…and I seized it. I was at a big house party having all sorts of drinks and there was this semi-drunk girl basically hanging all over me, touching my junk and what-not. She was clearly “into me”, so I decided to bite the bullet, take her upstairs and have relations with her.
Please keep in mind that I played it as safe as I possibly could. I wore a rubber. And I chose the rubbers with, you know, that spermicidal lubricant or whatever it’s called. So it’s not like I was full of pride or anything. I wasn’t high on my horse. I wasn’t flying too close to the sun. I wasn’t acting like a big-shot who thought he could get away with anything and be invincible. Yes, I took the necessary precautions and had sex in a very humble manner. I also kept the positions minimal and respectful. Just your classic missionary position, for the most part. No doggy-style or anything that I would consider degrading. I was very polite to her. And gentle. I didn’t talk dirty either. I was all class. Really, I was.
Anyway, it was about a month and a half later that I got the phone call. Yes, it was the girl from the party. She ‘was late’, God. Do you understand what I mean by that? It means she didn’t have her monthly menstruation cycle, which is usually a good indication that she is pregnant. She also did a pregnancy test. It came out positive. She has an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to confirm, but I think the test she got at the drugstore was proof enough; at least as far as I’m concerned it is.
So now it looks like I have a child on the way and, frankly, I don’t think this is fair. Ok, so basically I was in a situation where I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t. You know what I mean? I tried to NOT have sex; really, I did. But my failure to feed my sexual appetite only made it more voracious in the long run. And, ultimately, the appetite became completely uncontrollable. My sexuality basically degraded me to the level of a beast, a dude I never in my life thought I would be. I mean, I was watching Tranny porn and playing with myself on Chatroulette, for crying out loud. It was pathetic. But then I had sex and, well, now I’m damned in an entirely different way.
What was I supposed to do, God? I didn’t want to be a perverted creep who exposed myself on the Web just to get my jollies. So I had sex. But look where it got me now. My life is never going to be the same – everything is going to change forever. Think about how my parents and grandparents are going to react to all this. Think about what my parents’ friends will say and how everyone else in my life is going to judge me. People still think I’m a straight-laced kind of guy. But now I guess the REAL me is going to come out. Well, I suppose it was never really a phony me I was trying to play off as the real me. I am what they think I am, but I’m also a very sexual being beneath all the “class”. Can’t I be both, after all? Can’t I be a nice young man but also a feller who is horny as anything? Because that’s basically who I am: a nice guy who needs lots and lots of sexual gratification.
The bottom line is that I HAD to have sex, God – I just had to. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I just don’t think that it’s fair that you now are giving me a child and putting me into this awful situation simply because I am a sexual being. I just don’t get it. Really, I don’t. Keep in mind that I’m 29-years-old and you’ve failed to send me a woman who is good for me to marry and have sufficient amounts of post-marital sex with. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Not have sex forever until somebody I loved came along? How long was I supposed to wait? One more year? Or another year after that? Or another year after that one? Certainly my sexuality would have devoured me by then.
I’d like to say that I will never have sex again, at least not with somebody I don’t actually love. But the reality of the matter is that it won’t be long before I start feeling unbalanced and screwy in the head and start prowling the Internet to gratify my newest sexual fetish. I know this is going to happen and I don’t know what to do about it. I hate my sexuality; really, I do. It’s such a nuisance. Part of me wants to castrate myself, because my pee-pee has given me nothing but problems recently. But I don’t think that’s right either.
Anyway, I guess the purpose of this prayer is to inform you that there are some serious flaws inherent in the human condition that you have created. Have you not noticed this yet? I find it hard to believe that you haven’t, which makes me fear that you had sick and twisted intentions when you gave birth to the human experience. I think it’s time to face the music and realize that your science experiment is a lost cause. I find it difficult to have faith in you or even believe in your existence if you make things be this way. Yes, God, I’m telling you right now that I’m finding it difficult to keep the faith. I think you may have messed up, God. Just saying. Might want to go over your blueprint. Maybe you made a careless error along the way.
OK, God, this is [Insert Name Here] signing off. It’s almost ten minutes after four on a Sunday afternoon. OK, take care, God. Think about what I said. Bye. Oh, wait, one more thing: my aunt has cancer so if you could do something about that I’d really appreciate it. Thanks, God. Bye.