Walpole Headline News
1. The Walmart parking lot still has sketchy guys parked in their cars listening to the radio for hours on end.

2. The Bird Park parking lot still has sketchy guys parked in their cars listening to the radio for hours on end. (This is the upper lot on Polley Lane.)

3. Eric Willete has surpassed the ten-thousand mark in aluminum can collecting. He has also successfully managed to fool everyone in Walpole (who doesn't know any better) into thinking that there is at least ONE homeless person in our town.

4. Dedham Savings Bank still has the hottest female tellers in all of Walpole. It is and always has been the place to go if you wanna get a boner while you deposit your checks.

5. The gentleman with the train engineer cap and mustache hasn't been seen in McDonald's since the restaraunt made the switch to Newman's Own Organic coffee. An anonomous source said the gentleman (whom many refer to as Luigi) was seen jumping off White's bridge in the town forest.

6. Pissy Tailor's pissiness has yet to be traced back to any concrete source.

7. Supreme Pizza recently added shit-sandwich to their menu, seeing that it is already their specialty.

8. The Walpole Public Library added another dollar late fee to my library card, the twentieth of which I absolutely refuse to pay.

9. Joanne Sprague continues to have the creepiest smile next to Condoleeza Rice.

10. Walpole Cable Television is pleased to announce the premiere of "Another boring show featuring two old geezers who should be dead talking about a boring subject nobody in the world would ever give two shits about."

11. Matt Burns was voted "most amazing" person in all of Walpole. The votes were based on the following criterion: looks, size of package and number of Walmart-visits in a given week, the latter of which was pathetically unprecedented.

12. Numerous East Walpole residents were rudely awaken by a loud, unidentifiable sound last Saturday morning. As one resident remarked, "Oh, it was so awful. It sounded like two donkeys humping each other." Walpole Police were called in to investigate and eventually determined that there was nothing to be alarmed about. The source of the sound could be traced to that of Mr. Tobey Hubbard on his morning jog.

13. The Big Y prides itself to be the only American-owned supermarket in the New England area. It also prides itself to be the only supermarket in the New England area where customers can find absolutely NOTHING they need.

14. Walpole’s League of Women’s voters recently held a meeting to determine what, exactly, the purpose of their league WAS. After hours of deliberation and debate, league members determined that there wasn’t any purpose to their league, other than that it was a good excuse to have coffee and Munchkins on a night where they normally wouldn’t.

15. Nominations for Walpole's "Person of the Year" were announced yesterday. Among the nominees were John Lorusso, Tony Lorusso, Paul Lorusso, Joey Lorusso and also John Lorusso. The "Person of the year" ceremony will take place on St. Patrick's Day at Rafael's and will be sponsored by the Lorusso family.

16. The body of a woman in her 30s was found in the trunk of an abandoned car on Coney street late last night. Homicide detectives from the Walpole Police Department investigated the crime scene for about ten minutes and eventually decided to put the murder mystery on hold until further notice, “further notice” being known among fellow Walpole police officers as a more sophisticated way of saying “forever.”

17. The Foxboro Savings Bank on East Street was robbed at gunpoint yesterday afternoon by a man wearing a black ski mask. Walpole Police later arrested Mr. Ed Burke of Pleasant Street on the basis of him being a third-generation descendant of a man who robbed a bank once in 1908.

18. Massachusetts Board of Health officials had no choice but to temporarily close the doors of Office Max yesterday until the overwhelming smell of B.O. permeating the store started to dissipate. Board of Health officials say customers shouldn’t expect Office Max to reopen until at least the summer of 2008.

19. The Subway in downtown Walpole is proud to announce that it is under new management. When asked why they picked Subway over all other fast food chains, the new franchisees replied, "we were looking for a business enterprise that was sure to fail in less than a couple of months."

20. Walmart officially changes its store motto from "Always low prices. ALWAYS" to "Always long lines. ALWAYS."

21. Walpole Police forcefully removed Matt Burns from the Walpole Public Library after librarians issued a complaint about Burns being overly loud and disruptive each time he was on the library premises. Librarians later realized that they could have kept Burns quiet (and avoided calling the police) by simply cancelling their monthly subscription to Mad Magazine.

22. Matt Burns' Walpole Public library card was revoked yesterday after librarians determined that "anyone who borrows the film Mullholland Drive over and over again, strictly with the intent of watching the lesbian scenes, doesn't deserve the priviledge of having a library card."

23. Barnes and Noble at the Walpole Mall no longer carries Playboy magazine. According to B&N managers, the store decided to remove the Playboys from its newsstands after too many customers complained about the annoyingly loud sound of plastic crinkling coming from horny, greasy, Boston-View-Motel-residing truck drivers. In related news, Guinness Book of World Records featured the Walpole Barnes and Noble Men's Room in its 2006 edition, which is home to the absolute worst smelling urinals in the world.

24. The Kihei on Main Street decided to add even more MSG to its Polynesian cuisines after discovering that far too many customers were leaving its restaurant without the shits.

25. Walpole Center Books recently celebrated its first sale in the eight months that it's been open. In related news, the Grim Reaper was seen pacing the sidewalk in front of Walpole Center Books yesterday.

26. Pete the barber, owner of Pete's Barbershop in downtown Walpole, no longer gives out pieces of five-cent Bazooka bubble gum to his customers after haircuts. He decided to save the five cents per-customer and, instead, have his wicked hot daughter-barber give out blowjobs.